Horror of Horrors

Today had all the makings of my horror-of-horror days.

First we had a trip to the strangely blue-tinged dentist. We usually leave the dentist with lots of things - fillings mainly and I get my usual:

"WORST MOTHER IN THE WORLD FOR DENTAL HYGIENE 

(and we're sure we could find more faults if we could be bothered)" 

stamp.

But as each child emerged from the dentist's room, no dentist followed. I hurriedly shoved the next child in the door before the dentist realised she hadn't grinningly come out to give me the bad news about the previous set of canines.

 

After seeing all three, the dentist came out and almost hugged me! She said it's the first time she's seen them with perfect teeth. So I almost kissed her! I said it'd only taken me five years! She laughed a toothy laugh.

So today we left the dentist with a considerably smaller bill and some dinky dentist prizes.

Then we carted various boxes to the post office which is getting busier by the day.

 

 And now we've been caught up in the candy-cane-giveaway-to-every-kid-in-the-class-because-they're-going-to-give-us-a-candy-cane-back cycle.

I don't know why I get caught up ... every kid gives each other a candy cane, so every kid should just agree not to give candy canes and we'd all be better off. Cavity-wise especially.

So I bought 108 candy canes and, while doing so, spied my nemesis the Christmas Cracker! 

 I hate Christmas Crackers ... they deserve to be merchandised above raw meat. 

Oh look, they are!

Maybe I don't like them because my brother set his hair alight one Christmas by placing a cracker's paper hat around a candle and then putting the flaming paper hat on his head. But I hate that story. We hear the story every year. So I won't retell it. I know my brother hates hearing it.

Let's deconstruct the Cracker to see why it annoys me ...

1) They're just annoying.
2) They have unfunny jokes that no one would ever tell apart from feeling obliged to because they're on a slip of paper in a Christmas Cracker.
3) There's always some crappy plastic toy which only serves as a choking hazard to young children, and if you're old enough to know not to put the plastic miniature sewing machine in your mouth, what point does it serve you anyway?
4) The ridiculous paper hats - They are always too big and fall down over one's eyes or around candles. The more amusing individuals at the table may tear two eye-holes out of the fallen down hat - that's the only positive I can make of one. But apart from that, would you wear one on any other day?
5) Crackers invariably never 'crack' when you pull them apart.
6) Someone has to pick up all the paper scraps and toilet roll cardboard innards and put them in the bin. That's usually me.

 

And how is a $30- Michael Jacksonesque werewolf justifiably placed among the Christmas decorations? I was so close to sweeping these off the shelf, into the mince section, in one disgusted fell-swoop of my arm.

And this began today at the Gabba ... the Jiminy ... which will be on the radio like a sweet symphony to the start of Summer in the MMMC house. That menacing photo of Dennis Lillee should scare the English.